An office with a sign on the door reading DO NOT ENTER. MONKEY SORTING IN PROGRESS. Enter ME, a monkey. Enter a well-groomed, faux-English accented CHIMPANZEE.

Chimpanzee:
Hi.

Me:
Hi

Chimpanzee:
The ape can’t see you just yet, but if you’ll read through and fill in these forms he’ll be with you in a moment. Help yourself to a banana.

Me:
Very good.

Time passes. ME reads forms and writes on forms and gets bored and wishes there was a crossword on the back of any of the forms and considers looking under the desk in search of crosswords. More time passes. Enter a paunchy APE.

Ape:
Hi.

Me:
Hi.

Ape:
So, you want a shitty job in a call centre.

Me:
Yes.

Ape:
Why is that? You don’t look like you’re dumber than the average monkey.

Me:
I have recently moved into the village of Lower Expectation and as I am now a beggar I am no longer a chooser.

Ape:
Very good. So, would you like to work full time or part time?

Me:
Part time.

Ape:
Why is that? Oops, I already used that one didn’t I? For what reason is that?

Me:
Because otherwise the vital juices would be squished from my soul and I would become an empty husk. This will happen anyway, but if it’s part-time I can preserve my illusions.

Ape:
You are aware that the contract you just signed means that you technically no longer have ownership of the soul?

Me:
Yes, I read it during the half hour you left me waiting in the front office while you were talking to other monkeys.

Ape:
Good. Glad to have that straight. What is it that attracted you to this particular job?

Me:
Masochism brought on by the feeling that I have perpetually to atone for some unspecified sin or sins. This job looked like it was worse than most of the others. Also poverty.

Ape:
Monkeys like you make excellent employees.

Me:
Thank you.

Ape:
I may not see you again before you leave, as I am very busy sorting monkeys, but I wish you all the best. One of my chimpanzees will conduct you through the tests.

Exit the APE, enter another CHIMPANZEE, this one smaller, blonder and with more authentic intonation than the first. The CHIMPANZEE conducts ME through a range of quizzes, ordeals, and trials by fire and toad, epitomised by the question below.

Chimpanzee:
Which of the following best describes your philosophy of customer service? Remember there is no right answer.

a) Manhattan keep on making it, Brooklyn keep on taking it.
b) Life is cheap, bananas are expensive.
c) Remember there is no right answer.

Me:
Let me tell you instead about a time when I delivered excellent customer service and exceeded customer expectations. Also I will tell you about the time I made a nun cry.

Chimpanzee:
That was not the right answer. Can you peel and reassemble a banana in under 45 seconds, wearing a blindfold? And do it so well that the banana’s own mother wouldn’t know a thing had happened?

Me:
Yes.

Chimpanzee:
Show me.

Me:
I just did. You were blinking.

Chimpanzee:
Very impressive. I will now shake you by the hand to convey a feeling of fellow-primateness and conduct you off the premises. Kind regards, Chimp.

Exeunt omnes. The lights come down, the curtain closes.

earlier this evening a green serpent crawled up from the base of my spine and through my chest, sinking its fangs into my heart and infusing my blood with the pure venom of rage.

that is all